Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Actually cracking up @ this
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
saving face 👀
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.