Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”