Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
You Might Also Like
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David