Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Go gym