Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
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Perfect
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
meow
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me refusing to leave twitter
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.