Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I beg your pardon?

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ