@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m in my car driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no like what location

me: driver’s side

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@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

@Rollmaninoz

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@marknorm

When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.

@dance_blessed

1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.

@Brianhopecomedy

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say?
Start whispering something to your spouse.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@KenJennings

The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.