When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?
Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I falcon love using swear birds
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.