My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.