My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
her: what’s up
me: i’m in my car driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no like what location
me: driver’s side
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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
1. Get tipsy.
2. Go into a tanning bed.
3. Pretend you’re a panini.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say?
Start whispering something to your spouse.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.