her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.