her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I had to Stop for this
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”