Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.