her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
uncle dave has been through hell
How do you like your Corgi?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm