Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.