HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
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BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
look scared
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things