Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.