Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.