Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
You Might Also Like
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.