Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My loaf of bread looks terrified
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”