Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
put ‘er there pardner!
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Damn what did I do next
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.