Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.