Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out