Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I just tested negative for patience.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?