Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.