@UnFitz

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

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@Darlainky

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

@simoncholland

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

@burrowed_deep

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

@Mr_Bucky

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

@fillthevacuum

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

@KentWGraham

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

@sixthformpoet

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

@STEELERS1972

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.