Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.