Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.


If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.


Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.


A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.


My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.


Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.


Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.


Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.


1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait


When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.