Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
You Might Also Like
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Sooo many times…..
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Don’t we all.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Taking phone security to the next level.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.