Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

Spring cleaning checklist…

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’