her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
