I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?