Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.