Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

why would tinder want me to say this

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

reviewed some movies recently

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

😸

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea