screw you
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My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Good morning y’all ☀️
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I’d love this…lol
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box