Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.

They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles