Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

He has no idea 🤡

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Education is vital

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Always the camel, never the toe.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award