Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

For real 🤣

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

same energy

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.