Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.