Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.