@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

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@kelkulus

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

@michaelianblack

The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?

@squirrel74wkgn

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@LuvPug

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.