Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

My life coach traded me.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no