Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Reporter: *ports again*

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Body by burrito

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…