Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
the official breakfast of 2021
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.