her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Real bees work best
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.