her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
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[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.