HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.