Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?