Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Lmao

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.