Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?