her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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Why I divorced her.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug