My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
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I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.