@seancehat

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

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@BrandonBrown522

My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.

@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

@Schmoodles

A WASP LANDED ON MY BARE FOOT AND NOW I KNOW HOW TO RIVERDANCE.

@DudeMass

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

@bingowings14

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@ParasiteHilton

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

@jilleb163

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.