Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Catering service

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks