Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Note to self: always read the final line
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard