Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…