Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

And bowling should be called pinball

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

as the prophecy foretold

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Cndnsd Mlk

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*