Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.