Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.