Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

the composer

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Name this drama.