Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
good let them take over I have had enough
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Match dot com, but for socks.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.