Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
A short story of betrayal:
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.