Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
You Might Also Like
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.