Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.