Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

I’m ready for Halloween this year

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Priorities

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs