Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

I’m awake but I object,

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*