Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.