Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that