HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
You Might Also Like
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
waiting for halloween be like:
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
never stops being funny
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
🍞🦆
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school