Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

He’s cranky this morning

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.