Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes