Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
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A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
<- sleeps well with others
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.