Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty