Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*