Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

When you can’t find your friend Neil

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.