Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
You Might Also Like
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
c’mon!
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.