Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

If looks could kill

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

So Hamburger help me, God

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.