Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

“No way.” -Jose

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

A sick whale is called an unwhale

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!