Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

certified hallow’s eve classic

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

🤣

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”