HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
weaknesses
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
meanwhile over on facebook
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…