Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re damn right i have

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

That’s no pocket rocket.

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.